This was on my mind as Tania and I climbed the stairs to my small single room. We had walked arm in arm from The Gone Cafe to my front door. I knew the score by now. We would share my bed tonight, and as long as I acted with a certain amount of tact and subtlety, sex was almost a sure thing. It would depend on my actions. All that was left was action. I should. She would. All I had to do was act.

We entered my room, and she told me it was what she had expected. There were a few shirts hanging, novels and notebooks on a nightstand, and little else.

¡°I don¡¯t really have anything here except water,¡± I said. ¡°I guess we should have picked something up on the way.¡±

¡°No problem. I¡¯m fine.¡± She sat down on the side of the bed. She looked at the notebooks on the nightstand and ran her fingertips over their plain covers. ¡°Are these your poems?¡±

I nodded, casually leaning against the wall with my jacket still on.

¡°Do you mind if I take a look?¡±

¡°Be my guest.¡± I watched as she flipped through the first spiral notebook, slowly looking over one page at a time, passing over pages of poems and chunks of prose description, images of people and places, pages full of haikus (which I only write when I feel frustrated and impatient), and stories I had read at open mikes. She stopped briefly here and there to read, but said nothing. I stood quietly and waited. I was ready, but I was not going to sit down next to her and make a move while she sat reading my poetry. Even the idea of that was so cheesy it was offensive.

Tania closed the book and dropped it back onto the nightstand without comment. She got up and slipped off her jacket. I hesitated for a moment while we silently regarded one another, then took two steps toward her. I put my hand on her waist, leaned forward and kissed her. She closed her eyes, her arms relaxed by her sides. It was not a long kiss. I took a step back.

There was a moment of silence. Her face betrayed no emotion, no interest, anger, or disappointment. I found it hard to look her in the eye and turned slightly away. ¡°What would you like to do?¡± I asked her.

¡°Let¡¯s just go to bed,¡± she said, giving nothing away by the tone of her voice. She was not sending mixed signals with this monotone response; she was sending no signals at all. I felt like she was leaving everything entirely up to me. And what emotion did that communicate? Resignation?

She hung her jacket up on one of the pegs next to the door. I took mine off and did the same. ¡°Turn off the lights, okay?¡± she said. I did so, and she began to undress, laying her clothes neatly on the floor next to the bed. The room was dim, but enough light crept in through the curtained window that I could see her actions: she pulled her shirt over her head, unclasped her bra behind her back and slipped it off, then slid out of her jeans and socks. In her panties, she lay down in the middle of the bed on her stomach. In the dim light, I could see from the tips of her toes, up her legs to her ass in her dark panties. I began to slide out of my own clothing.

¡°Which side do you want?¡± she asked.

I slid over top of her and came down to rest, covering her. ¡°Um, here,¡± I said, almost into her ear.

¡°Oh, I see,¡± she said. ¡°You want to sleep on top of me.¡±

There was enough amusement in her voice to give me confidence to continue. I was right on top of her. Although we were separated by two pairs of underwear, hers and mine, I could feel my penis resting between her buttocks. It felt like a good place to be. My confidence grew, knowing she had laid herself out for me like this, and now that I had made my move, she had voiced no objection. I leaned in and kissed her on the back of her neck, and on the spots behind and below her ear.

¡°Let me roll over,¡± she said, and I lifted my weight off her so she could shift beneath me, rolling so that we were lying face to face. She pulled me back down on top of her and kissed me on the mouth. Her hands went up along my sides, and she held onto me.

We kissed like that for a few minutes, only finally pausing when we accidentally banged teeth. We both giggled a little. She brought her hand up to my face and caressed my cheek. ¡°You need to shave,¡± she told me.

¡°Sorry.¡±

¡°No need to be. Um, should we slip under the covers?¡±

¡°Yeah.¡± We got under and continued kissing. I ran my hand along her side and she took my hand and led it to her breast. After a few more minutes, I slipped down and began kissing her body. Neck to chest, each breast, side and underside as well as nipple, back to mouth, down to chest again, down to stomach, not too eager, just patient, and sensual. I continued a downward movement as she moaned. Her responses were positive.

I moved low enough that I was kissing along the waistline of her panties.

¡°Um, you should probably stop there,¡± she said.

¡°Okay,¡± I said, and I slid back up to kiss her stomach.

¡°It¡¯s my time right now,¡± she said, ¡°so it might not be the best time to go down on me.¡±

¡°Oh. Okay, that¡¯s cool.¡±

¡°Were you going to?¡±

¡°I would have...If you wanted me to.¡±

¡°Oh. Well, come here,¡± she said, pulling me up towards her. She rolled over so her back was to me and pulled me in tight against her so her ass pushed into my crotch. ¡°Mmm,¡± she groaned as I pushed hard against her. ¡°Yeah, like that. Like that.¡±

I reached under her arm to hold her breast. We pushed against each other, grinding up and down for several minutes. She commanded me to push harder and squeeze harder, until she climaxed, arching her back, gasping, every muscle tight, and then relaxing, completely loose and free in front of me.

Tania lay silent for a minute or so. Then she rolled over and gave me a soft kiss on the lips. She reached down to find my cock, but in the time that had elapsed since she came, it had gone soft. She started to play with it, fondling, trying to bring it back to life. I took her wrist and led her hand up to my side and kissed her on the mouth.

¡°It¡¯s okay,¡± I said. ¡°It¡¯s cool.¡±

¡°Are you sure?¡±

I nodded and kissed her again to keep her from persisting. She had come. I was tired. I knew she wanted me to come too, but I didn¡¯t want to deal with it. I didn¡¯t want the pressure of it all. I would rather just do without. Having her come was enough for me tonight.

We both slept badly. The bed was small enough to make it an uncomfortable rest, and the pseudo-sex we had just shared made things awkward. Tania rolled over so she was facing away from me. She gave an occasional sigh, and I had the feeling that she was still thinking about the new love triangle that had evolved between the two of us and our friend John. If he was still the main thing on her mind, what did that make me? A distraction. A complication.

Although exhausted, I felt too restless to go right to sleep. What I really wanted to do was go up onto the roof of the building and sit, feeling the breeze on my face, with a cigarette and a can off beer. But I didn¡¯t move. I wanted to lie absolutely still, so that if Tania was awake she might think I was asleep and not lying there feeling restless and uncomfortable.

I woke up around ten. Tania was dressed, just pulling on her shoes.

¡°Taking off?¡± I asked. She turned to look at me. ¡°Yeah, I¡¯m gonna get going.¡± She leaned over and gave me a kiss on the cheek. ¡°Thanks for letting me crash.¡±

¡°No problem.¡±

¡°We¡¯re cool, right?¡± she asked.

¡°Of course.¡±

She smiled and slipped out the door.

Nolan Whyte.